Exploratory questions aim at learning more about thoughts, ideas, feelings, values and beliefs. These are important when you need to discover what lies under the surface – that which is not being expressed in meetings, conversations and larger processes.
This pattern is crucial to handling tension and conflict. It encourages a facilitator or mediator to slow the conversation down. It links to specific skills that all contribute to creating greater safety by slowing the pace of a conversation.
When a conversation heats up, when tension rises, the pace also speeds up. Those involved react quickly, don’t listen to what others are saying and become more defensive. Aggression is often a sign of such defensiveness.
The space between stimulus and response disappears – and with it the possibility of dialogue. It becomes a battle of words. When the pace speeds up, parties may begin to feel that they are moving towards a more chaotic – less controlled – situation. This creates insecurity.
Slowing down the pace of a conversation creates space between stimulus and response. It allows for a moment – however minor – in which reflection can occur.
Several basic skills directly affect the pace of the conversation. Facilitators (or those who assume that role), mediators and negotiators can use these to slow down the pace. They are mirroring, summarising, asking questions and meta-reflection.
By reducing the pace of the conversation, parties begin to feel safer.
Do not simply accept this as truth. Test it for yourself. Use the skills mentioned – or other ways of slowing the conversation down – and see what difference it makes to the conversation. See if it creates a sense of safety.
Our inner conversations can be very chaotic, particularly when we are stressed. Our minds jump between topics, and our unconscious thoughts can cause us to react by becoming more stressed. The equivalent of mirroring is a specific form of meditation: simply noticing the thoughts and letting them go. It may help to write or go for a walk when our thinking speeds up and we feel that we are becoming stressed. Reminding ourselves of the space between thought and reaction is useful here.
On this level, conversations that become heated will benefit from being slowed down. In some cultures and certain relationships, it is normal for people to interrupt each other and speak animatedly. Slowing the conversation is not a general rule but rather a way of helping ease tension.
In meetings, a facilitator can slow the conversation when needed. However, slowing the conversation can be very helpful when tension arises. It is wise not to “over-facilitate” but to allow a process to develop organically.
Conversations on a societal level can often be quite formal and consist of monologues from a variety of stakeholders. On social media, discussions can get heated quickly. Slowing the conversation down here might mean using some of the abovementioned skills to avoid fragmentation and confusion. Instead of reacting, an organisation might take the time to reflect and suggest dialogue in a more confined forum.
This pattern is helpful whenever a conversation becomes tense or strained. You can use it when those participating show signs of feeling unsafe, unwilling, or unable to express themselves in a conversation.
The inspiration for the pattern originally comes from Arnold Mindell. He suggests that it is vital for a facilitator to slow a process down but not to try to cool it down. It is one of the primary rules of thumb that Dialogues has applied in managing conflicts on all levels.