Slow it down

Summary

This pattern is crucial to handling tension and conflict. It encourages a facilitator or mediator to slow the conversation down. It links to specific skills that all contribute to creating greater safety by slowing the pace of a conversation.

The Problem

When a conversation heats up, when tension rises, the pace also speeds up. Those involved react quickly, don’t listen to what others are saying and become more defensive. Aggression is often a sign of such defensiveness.

The space between stimulus and response disappears – and with it the possibility of dialogue. It becomes a battle of words. When the pace speeds up, parties may begin to feel that they are moving towards a more chaotic – less controlled – situation. This creates insecurity.

The Pattern

Slowing down the pace of a conversation creates space between stimulus and response. It allows for a moment – however minor – in which reflection can occur.

Several basic skills directly affect the pace of the conversation. Facilitators (or those who assume that role), mediators and negotiators can use these to slow down the pace. They are mirroring, summarising, asking questions and meta-reflection.

In addition to creating clarity and openness, mirroring slows the pace of the conversation. It creates a pause between what a speaker says and the response to that statement. When the statement is mirrored, both the speaker and those hearing it can listen to it again. If the facilitator uses the skill in a neutral way, and if she is trusted as impartial, those present may hear the statement with less bias.
Summaries, in addition to helping to keep parts of a conversation apart and create more order, also provide a short “breathing space” during which emotions can calm down.
Questions fill the same function by creating a moment’s pause. Questions that lead to clarity, critical thinking and reflection allow a statement to sink in – both for the speaker and for others who are present.
Meta-reflection, either by the facilitator or the group, also slow down the pace and, in addition, contribute to a reflection on the nature of the conversation.

By reducing the pace of the conversation, parties begin to feel safer.
Do not simply accept this as truth. Test it for yourself. Use the skills mentioned – or other ways of slowing the conversation down – and see what difference it makes to the conversation. See if it creates a sense of safety.

Inner level

Our inner conversations can be very chaotic, particularly when we are stressed. Our minds jump between topics, and our unconscious thoughts can cause us to react by becoming more stressed. The equivalent of mirroring is a specific form of meditation: simply noticing the thoughts and letting them go. It may help to write or go for a walk when our thinking speeds up and we feel that we are becoming stressed. Reminding ourselves of the space between thought and reaction is useful here.

Interpersonal level

On this level, conversations that become heated will benefit from being slowed down. In some cultures and certain relationships, it is normal for people to interrupt each other and speak animatedly. Slowing the conversation is not a general rule but rather a way of helping ease tension.

Group level

In meetings, a facilitator can slow the conversation when needed. However, slowing the conversation can be very helpful when tension arises. It is wise not to “over-facilitate” but to allow a process to develop organically.

Societal level

Conversations on a societal level can often be quite formal and consist of monologues from a variety of stakeholders. On social media, discussions can get heated quickly. Slowing the conversation down here might mean using some of the abovementioned skills to avoid fragmentation and confusion. Instead of reacting, an organisation might take the time to reflect and suggest dialogue in a more confined forum.

The Context

This pattern is helpful whenever a conversation becomes tense or strained. You can use it when those participating show signs of feeling unsafe, unwilling, or unable to express themselves in a conversation.

Links to related patterns

The inspiration for the pattern originally comes from Arnold Mindell. He suggests that it is vital for a facilitator to slow a process down but not to try to cool it down. It is one of the primary rules of thumb that Dialogues has applied in managing conflicts on all levels.