Prepare yourself for a difficult conversation
Prepare yourself for a difficult conversation
A Scenario
Summary
This scenario is a suggestion as to how you could prepare yourself for conversations where the person you are speaking to may be antagonistic, critical or aggressive. It suggests getting to know your triggers, considering different scenarios and planning in advance to avoid stress.
The Context
You are about to have a difficult conversation – or a number of these. You expect the person or people you will be speaking with to be antagonistic, critical, or even aggressive. You need to prepare yourself for the conversation.
The Challenge
How will you keep yourself from becoming defensive? How will can you ensure that the conversation is productive? How can you prepare yourself for the conversation you will have?
A possible scenario
Take time to prepare yourself in advance.
Go for a walk or find time to sit quietly in a place where you won’t be disturbed. If possible, don’t take calls. Create space for yourself (Link to pattern).
Remember that between stimulus and response there is a space. In this space, you have the power to choose your response. In your response lies your growth and your freedom (paraphrased from Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People).
This thought is central to dealing with verbal aggression. You can access the power to choose your response if you pause – if even for a second or two while you take a deep breath.
The alternative to accessing this power to choose your response is to react without reflection. Such a reaction is often motivated by unconscious emotions.
Many of our reactions are triggered by unconscious thoughts and emotions. They will determine our actions if we are unconscious of them. In fact, research has shown that most decisions that are made are based on our feelings and not our conscious, rational thoughts. This, even though we imagine ourselves to be rational beings making conscious, rational decisions. (See the reference to Antonio Demasio’s work below)
Becoming aware of unconscious emotions that are triggered in response to outer events, is essential to being a good listener (link to the pattern on Listening). It is the essence of creating space for others (Link to pattern).
Listening in its turn is one of the most effective ways of de-escalating tension.
Becoming aware of possible triggers and the emotions they activate, allows you to make a simple choice not to become defensive (See the pattern Switch from defence to curiosity).
For example, you might be triggered by people who act in an authoritarian way because I grew up in an authoritarian environment. You instinctively act in a defensive way when such people seek to express their authority. Becoming aware of this instinctive reaction, allows you to notice the reaction before you act upon it. It helps a great deal to have done this work in advance.
You can also use the preparation time to imagine different scenarios that might occur. Think of the worst and best scenarios and play them through in your mind. How will you respond in each case?
The worst scenarios seldom occur, but it gives you the confidence to have thought through your own responses. The positive scenarios prepare you to respond to positive signals.
Finally, think practically about giving yourself time and not being stressed before the meeting. Do whatever you can to avoid additional stress.
If it is possible, arrive early rather than just on time. Give yourself a breathing space before or between meetings. Make sure somebody can fetch the kids if you are delayed.
More
This scenario is drawn from the experience of a mediator who has faced many difficult conversations in his line of work.
Antonio Damasio proposes with his somatic marker hypothesis that human decisions are strongly influenced by emotions and feelings. https://academic.oup.com/cercor/article/10/3/295/449599 . See also this article in the Harvard Business Review: https://hbr.org/2006/01/decisions-and-desire