Scenario – A Tense Encounter
Scenario – A Tense Encounter
Summary
This scenario deals with the challenge of having a difficult conversation with another person. It is in the form of a story. It covers some important points regarding preparation and then suggests issues such as communication, creating space for others and for oneself, the skills of labelling, mirroring and asking the right questions, and finally the method of including the “no” in decisions. This scenario emphasises the meta-skils of empathy, presence and non-judgement and illustrates the dialogic framework.
The Context
She was going to meet a person whom she knew was aggressive and angry. He had turned his anger towards her before. It could take the form of outward aggression: accusations, insults, criticism. It could also take on a more passive form: silence, ignoring her questions, pretending she had nothing to say that was of value, speaking down at her.
She had prepared herself for the encounter (link). Thought about her triggers and how she would consciously choose not to be hooked and provoked. She imagined different scenarios and how she would handle them. She also tried to empathise with him in advance: what was it that fuelled his anger? What was it that he was projecting onto her? Could she identify with that deeper emotion she imagined in his unconscious?
The Challenge
How does one use the skills, the meta-skills, the dialogic framework and the methods in a situation where one is facing somebody who is angry, upset or aggressive?
A possible scenario
She made sure that he knew she was coming to see him. She didn’t want him to be surprised by her visit, even though they had made an appointment to meet some time before. She also texted him about the issue that she needed to discuss with him and referred to an email she had sent him with some questions she had.
She was nervous. She knew that his behaviour triggered deep emotions of being discounted inside her. On the way, she made sure that she breathed deeply and tried to reassure herself that she was only doing what she had to do. It was her job after all.
When she arrived, he acknowledged her greeting with a curt nod and a grunt. She asked him how he was, but he simply responded that he was fine and asked what she wanted. She consciously took a breath, reminding herself of the space between stimulus and response where she could choose how to respond. She chose not to remind him of her email and text message, knowing that he would see that as blame. She asked him whether they could sit somewhere or take a walk. He pointed to a bench under a tree, and they sat down.
She started by thanking him for seeing her and said: it seems as if my visit is an intrusion (see the pattern on labelling), so could I ask you a few questions, then I will be on my way. He responded as she had hoped he would: yes, you are right, I don’t have much time. I am also tired of having to constantly deal with you lot. The first criticism. She chose not to become defensive and switched to curiosity (link): when you say that you are tired of dealing with us, what do you mean? (link to pattern Ask questions for elaboration). He launched into a long angry monologue about how he felt that he was not taken seriously and how he was the victim of an unfair system.
Her response? To ask more questions: first questions that made him speak more. She used labelling and mirroring consistently and felt that he started to relax. Here is one exchange from their conversation:
He: You lot want us to abandon our way of life.
She: Abandon your way of life?
He: Yes, city-folk decide everything. They don’t care about us in the countryside. We are nothing to them.
She: It seems as if you feel discriminated against. Has this always been the case or is it something that happened recently?
He: It used to be very different. We were valued. Our culture was acknowledged.
She: Culture seems to be important to you. Can you help me understand what that means to you?
As he became less aggressive, it became easier for her to keep herself from being defensive. She was aware of an inner voice that was protesting, but she reminded it that they would deal with the issue later.
She realised that he indeed felt a sense of hopelessness and powerlessness and that this was driving his aggression. Several times he became angry, and every time she could step aside and not take the anger personally, following up with mirroring and helpful questions.
When she felt that he had said what he needed to say, she posed her question, but reframed it to acknowledge the strong “no” that she had heard:
I understand from what you have told me that you feel that my organisation is acting in an unreasonable way. I am not sure if I can change their decision, but I wonder: what would make it easier for you to accept it? Is there anything that would help you live with the decision even if you don’t agree with it? (see the pattern on including the no in the decision)
He thought for a while and made some suggestions. She agreed to take up the suggestions and get back to him as soon as she had a response from the leadership. He surprised her by thanking her for the conversation and then he said: it is not you I am angry at. At least you are prepared to listen, and I appreciate that.
Links
Notice the use of the various basic skills:
- Mirroring
- Naming the emotion
- Asking questions for elaboration
- Asking exploratory questions (how she rephrased some of these)
Notice also that she prepared herself in advance and how she used the meta-skills:
She also used the method of including the “no” in decisions
In her mind she kept the dialogic framework in mind:
- Find out what is going on
- Deepen the conversation
- Look for potential
- Concretise
